I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
