I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
