he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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