i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
