woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
