A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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