This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
