This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
