Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
