4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
