his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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