Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
