yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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