and she was petting her beer can
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
