Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
