in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
