i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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