They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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