i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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