Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
