Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
