The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
