i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
