wrigley field is MILF paradise
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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