you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
