shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
