What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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