I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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