my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
