dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
