she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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