I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
