***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
