There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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