Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
