I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dear god my vagina.
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