and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
