be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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