Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
