yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
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