Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
