would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
