Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
