The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
