im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
