I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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