I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
