Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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