I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
