Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
