Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
