The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
