Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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