Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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