i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
