theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
