You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
