she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
